I was laying in bed and sighed to My God (and I felt really not insecure or so, but re-examined my efforts and my deeds): "Ah, what am I worth to You? I am fickle. I do not listen well, I am lazy. I promise you everything and I do not keep my promises. I'm unsteady. I spend endless time on many things of life, while You get sparse moments from me. I'm inconsistent, I do not trust You enough when I'm overcome by the infestations of life. You always say "rest assured" but often I am not. First I have to see come through what you promised me. I am unreliable. I, ah, I just have to end up, it is too much.
My God,
what are You thinking of me? Probably You are disappointed.
No, I
thought, that’s not what God is like.You are surely despondent.
No, I thought, that’s not what God is like.
You have become impatient for sure.
No, I thought, that’s not what God is like.
But what are You then? How do You look at me? What do You think of my little messing around?
I said,
"Ah, what can I say to you. You know everything.
You know
about my secret stuff. You know about my attachments. You know about my
weaknesses. You know about my wrestling. You know about my shortcomings. You
know everything about me. You know everything. You see me completely. I can not
hide anything. You are the only One Who knows me and sees me”.
And I am
taken away, quite unexpectedly, in an overwhelming wave of pure love, pure
acceptance, pure wisdom. I feel how God looks at me. And I am immersed in a
milky white sea of being, of love, of understanding, of wisdom, of acceptance.
And I have to cry out of happiness. I'm coming home. I am seen in all my
weaknesses. And everything is okay. And all my worries have been lost in this
wave of love. There is nothing but God and something that who is calling itself
me, but can not be found. I no longer exist, but I am immersed in a sea of
peace, space, full emptiness, a milky white existence of being, of love, of
being seen, of surrender, of having stopped wrestling, of having stopped
thinking that I have to do something or feel something or say something while I
do not have to do anything anymore.
Being,
being, being.
I cry out
of happiness and remember for myself that this has always been the case. That I
do not have to do my best in the eyes of God. That I am, that I Am.I stroke my face with my hands and know that God touches me and caresses me. I stroke my arm and feel that God touches me, that my arm itself is the touch of God, that my whole body is the touch of God. I am, I am, I am.
I fell asleep happily.
My God, would You like to comment on this?
This is all okay, My son.
Be blessed.My blessings to you all
No 419
