Why do You remain silent? (Psalm 22)

Again I was struck by doubt. Did I really have the capacity to hear the voice of my Spark of God? My doubt became very strong, I was worried and I really wondered if I was doing the right things. Last week on Monday night I went to bed and I nearly did hear the voice, "I don't hear You well”, I said," but the voice became less strong every second. And at a certain moment I heard nothing at all, again that deadly silence, whatever I said or tried or listened to, my conversations had stopped and I experienced what almost every person on earth is going through. You talk to God but you don't hear anything back.

Because it was the second time in a row and because I felt this was more intense and more intrusive I got overwhelmed by a very big feeling of unrest. And I sighed even at some point within myself over all those years of writing the blogs “you just have played for god”.

I was shocked by myself and that sighing was accompanied by loss, loneliness, surprise and actually bewilderment. Could it be true that all those years of hard work were just an illusion and that everything was false? What if I had just played for God and invented everything out of myself and what if nothing was true? What if I didn't hear a Spark of God at all? What if I just made everything up for myself? Suppose  so, what would it turn out to be a disillusion!

Deadly silence inside me!

What had happened to me, what had I done, how come I did hear nothing at all?
If it was the voice of God why didn't I hear God anymore? What had happened, what had I done?
And if I made it up for myself, why didn't I manage to continue the conversation, why was there such a deadly silence? I didn't understand anything of it.

I was confused for a few days and then gradually recovered my balance. I accepted that there had to be a reason why this happened. I accepted that I didn't hear anything, like most people do after all. I accepted that it would remain always this way. I accepted that I might not know for the rest of my life why everything happened this way, why I had experienced this all those years, why it had stopped. I accepted that and was willing to leave it, just trust it and let everything rest. But even more happened last week.

I thought, what do I actually know, what can I build on, what do I know for sure about God? And then I felt that it was all right. It was enough that God existed, and that I was heard, day and night, as every person is heard. And I was happy with the will of God and with the laws of God, what else did I want? This was sufficient. This was good, this was our help and stay, everyone could build on this and hope for it. And I felt so comfortable and calm and grateful that God was there, purely this, this was enough, that God existed and kept an eye on us and that we lived within God's creation, that we were God's creation, and that God had some meaning for us.

But something else happened that I did not expect at all. I was suddenly so grateful that I could see God's creation, that I had eyes, and could see the beauty of nature, of the evening light, of a beautiful avenue of trees, of the beauty of the world, and that I could see this all. It overwhelmed me so much that I was completely happy and grateful and I was very happy about it. And I was also deeply grateful that I had a healthy body, that I could move, that everything worked so well and that I could do whatever I want with this beautiful, healthy, strong and energetic body. And for days I have been happy with the will of God and with the laws of God and with my seeing of creation and with my ability to move and do everything.

But beware of the dog, I gradually started to suffer more from the uncertainty and loneliness of a life without the trusted voice of God. Coincidentally, I would stay for a few days in the Trappist monastery in Zundert and the first service I heard Psalm 22:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

………………………………

But you, O Lord, do not be far off!
O you my help, come quickly to my aid!

And every minute I was in Zundert for a longer time, I became more upset and down and deeply unhappy that I no longer heard God. I no longer heard anything and attended the services, the night service, the zen meditation and I started to miss so terribly the contact with God, missed so terribly that I no longer had a conversation with God and that I lived in a distressing, terrifying deafening silence, whatever I said or asked or cried or waited. I felt like the abandoned agitated person in Psalm 22. My god why have you forsaken me?

It became more and more unbearable, and I was just able to dedicate my suffering to Christ and say “I give my suffering to You Christ, at least now I feel for a moment how You have suffered and my suffering is still nothing, it is not as bad with me as with You”.

But it seemed to me that there was no greater suffering than 8 ½ years of hearing the voice of God and then suddenly for more than 11 days hearing nothing and I feared it would stay that way for the rest of my life. My god my god why have You forsaken me? ”

On Saturday morning, December 7, after more than eleven days of total radio silence, total desolation, I suddenly hear the voice of God again. When I ask "do You want to bless these monks, I hear "they are blessed My Son" and I cry and cry and cry (in silence) and thank and thank and thank and I am so happy so happy so happy that I hear the voice of God again and I ask: “my God I know You didn't leave me, but why didn't I hear you anymore? It became too difficult, it became too bad, it became unbearable ”.

And God said:

My son, We have seen you these twelve days, your willingness to leave everything and to cherish life and later We have seen you suffer, but it could not be otherwise. A combination of necessary changes, of regularities and an ordeal made you have lived in oblivion for twelve days, not in Our eyes but in your experience. Know that it is over, and that these types of periods will remain the exception. And you have stood the test well. You have endured everything well, you have not blamed Me, you have accepted everything, you have tried to cherish the right spiritual perspective of trust and you have also experienced your humanity in the loneliness, doubt, anxiety, confusion, suffering. And you have dedicated your suffering to the suffering of Christ. That's how We found it complete.
Be blessed, my son.

My blessings to you all

No 468

Parched land without God

I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land*

My God, in one way or another this text is really touching me.

I have no inferiority complex and I feel good.
Yet this text seems to touch the core of the relationship between man and God.
Would You like to comment on this?

My son, how else could it be?

Man is a creature of God, created in love and wisdom and full of promise and future, even though his physical body is subject to the earthbound evolution with the prospect of death.
But not his the spiritual body, referring in this psalm to the soul.
The spiritual body of man is without God parched land, lifeless and tied to the death, but with the living water of God poured on his ground the miracle happens.
Then begins the miracle of the spiritual life, the beauty of eternity, the promise of God to man, the great unrivaled future of the former ape who enters an eternal relationship with God,  closing a spiritual marriage and leaving behind time, space, death and restriction.
Blessed is man who begins to realize that he is parched land without God, and that God will bring forth the finest fruits and flowers.
The psalmists knew this already, blessed are they.
Mankind is yet realizing this.

My blessings to you all
 
*Part of Psalm 143, sung by munks in a service in Maria Toevlucht, monastery in Zundert, the Netherlands

Nr. 347

There are no virgins waiting for dead terrorists

I am in the monastery of Zundert and hear about the bombings in Paris through my smartphone. So much peace and tranquility I am experiencing in the monastery and at the same time those attacks on innocent people in Paris.
My God, I know that the terrorists are convinced they are righteous, maybe they are acting out of revenge, they for sure belief that Allah is on their site.
Coincidentally in the service Psalm 34 is sung by the brothers, for verse 16 really strikes me:

“but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,

to blot out their name from the earth.”

Thus says the Lord of the Jews in this psalm about those who do evil.

What are You saying, my God?
What does God say?
What does Allah say?

God and Allah, the Lord of the Jews, Jehovah, even Brahman, they all say the same, for They are ONE.

“but the face of Them is against those who do evil,

to blot out their name from the earth.”

The terrorists kill out of hatred. They are not killing soldiers in a battle, then there is still something to be said, man to man. But they kill innocent civilians who want to be happy and loved ones are waiting innocently at home for their dead beloved ones. These fanatics are not loved by Allah, no virgins are waiting for them in paradise.

What is awaiting them, depending on their state, are darkness and loneliness.

For them are the consequences of their heinous acts.
They crawl around like animals, are trapped in astral pens, await their fate with pain and fear, are baffled about the welcome they will get in the spiritual world.
It is a welcome of hatred because they have sown hatred thus hatred will be reaped.
Even though their fate is temporary, it is for sure not what they have expected.

Terrorists are living in the wrong area.

The area of women.
The area of peace.
The area of education.
The area of open-mindedness,
The area of global consciousness.
The area of growth of the divine spark in the human heart.

Terrorists are living in the wrong area.

And they get just for a while some authority, some power, some prestige.
But they will come more quickly to their downfall than Hitler did.
Because everything is going faster, these times, the decline of evil men as well.
Their existence will extinct on earth.

My blessings to you all

Nr. 303

Mary, the Mother Goddess

Would you like to comment on the name and the position of Mary in spiritual sense?


The (male) monastery Maria Resort is a tribute to Mary. On the façade is mentioned

Per Mariam ad Jesum, or through Mary to Jesus.
Who is Mary and what is her significance?

You mortals think differently about her. Mary is assumed to be:

• The Mother of God, for Christ is the Son of God
• The comforter of the afflicted, the unfortunate, the sinners
• The eternal virgin, of Immaculate Conception
• The crowned Queen of Heaven (Catholics)
• The mother of the prophet Jesus, a remarkable and ordinary woman, for God can not have a mother (the Muslims)
• A mother who saw her son tortured and murdered, symbol of the mother and her earthly suffering (humanists)
• The Goddess, the better half of God (New Age)
• The equal of Tara of Compassion (Hindus) and Kuan Yin (she, who is hearing the cries of distress on earth, the Chinese female Buddha)
• Symbol of the pure and feminine on earth (esoteric).

My son, I'll tell you this truth: in the spiritual world it does not really matter what you mortals are all believing thinking and interpreting and differently.
We are equally taking care for all religions and tendencies.
As long as you are not boxing each other ears.

What We would like you to do is:

• being inspired by your own image of Mary
• being motivated to the spiritual life
• getting hope when you say the name of Mary
• in all worries of everyday life are getting tempted to the choice of the inner, the spiritual
• love what Mary is symbolizing: purity, devotion, love for God
• considering her as comforter of the afflicted and unfortunate
• honorering her as the one who is hearing the cries of distress on earth
• are feeling supported by her presence in your life
• considering her as the feminine aspect of God, the world is needing this aspect badly.

On the facade of the monastery stands:

"By Mariam ad Jesum, through Mary to Jesus"

The spiritual world is considering this as:

• Through love reaching God
• Through the experienced feelings to the believing mind
• With a pure heart to surrender to the Inner
• With humility of man to God's Will
• With sincere prayer to the touch by God
• With the experience of life to the insight of being
• With suffered grief to higher understanding of life
• Through childhood becoming son and daughter of God
• Through the feminine considering the male
• By love to the Christ consciousness
• Through caring charity to the Kingdom of God on earth.

The monks of Mary Refuge are blessed.

My blessings to you all

Nr. 133