It's nice to talk about it, not because it's necessary, because that spiritual life does lead its (her?) life, but it's nice to think about such things, to put things in perspective, to ask yourself, what is the situation, as far as that works this is my attempt.
I strived for enlightingment for a while, but soon found out that it was just a word, which everyone interpreted differently and I thought sometimes the word was abused. It never really appealed to me, simply because I was still too attached to my personal life, my feelings, my way of thinking, my body. And because of that, an overwhelming realization and a considerable peace came over me. Maybe it's not for me, maybe I don't want it, maybe it's just a word that everyone misuses. And because of this, there was room for a beautiful spiritual experience that I have cherished very much ever since, and experienced again and again: I love this life, I love my body, I love the personal, I love the variation in feelings, the variety, the contrasts, I love that life is surprising and not boring at all. I don't want to get rid of it at all, I'm in the middle of it and it satisfies me very much, even though I know there's more. And I find it exceptionally nice to be completely immersed in it, regardless of the consequences. And that doesn't mean that I don't just walk with my head in the clouds, but also with my feet in the mud. Everything is part of it. Yet what I am describing now has been a long struggle of many years before I could say yes to everything, and I am still sometimes shocked by the intensity, especially of negative experiences and emotions. But still: I do that as much as possible, saying yes to everything.
Another important insight occurred to me concerning matter, the earth, the physical. Many religions are rather negative and judgmental about the body, let alone sex. Many New Agers are very contemptuous of matter and money as if they were inferior to the mind. But how I have always loved the material: beautiful things, a painting, a plant, a candle, sunlight through a stained glass window, and so on. The wonderful, constant, fine, reliable matter that is always there for you, no matter how you feel. The matter quietly continues to be there. Delicious, and actually money is part of that, handy, easy, why would money be dirty, something like that.
And then God. All my life I have sought to be closer to God, and I have often been mistaken about methods, movements, gurus or books. But I can also say: I dived into it, took out what seemed right to me and moved on. In that process, I never doubted God, at most Its servants on earth. The good God, I have always been able to feel Its presence in crucially beautiful and crucially difficult moments, and for the past twelve years or so I am hearing Its voice. I don't search anymore, I don't have to read about other people's insights and don’t have to follow gurus on YouTube. It is all right, but not for me. I've found it.
And that doesn't mean I know what it's like, but I've come home to Myself. I feel seen, affirmed, loved, reassured, and from that contact I have learned, I should say unlearned, to judge. No more judgment, but understanding, no more separation from others but the experience of respect and acceptance of the great variety of people, opinions, experiences. Total acceptance and peace in this, the other person is allowed to be how he is, and I am allowed to be how I am and if someone else judges that, I know that they have a problem, not me. If I judge, I have a problem and not the other. Peace and space and trust. And in that also more love than before for myself, for the other, for life, for difficulties, for the negative side, in short, peace and saying yes in this too.
And in all this and in everything I experience, I don't compare myself with others, because I don't know exactly how it is, and I don't look into someone else's heart, his inner self, his mysteries, but I only compare myself with myself before. More peace, more space, more love, more acceptance, more God and God closer, namely just in my inner self and the most most most beautiful thing is that when I am loving towards life, towards the other, towards myself, I also feel more close to God.
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This will do.
My blessings to you all
No 563
