Why do You remain silent? (Psalm 22)

Again I was struck by doubt. Did I really have the capacity to hear the voice of my Spark of God? My doubt became very strong, I was worried and I really wondered if I was doing the right things. Last week on Monday night I went to bed and I nearly did hear the voice, "I don't hear You well”, I said," but the voice became less strong every second. And at a certain moment I heard nothing at all, again that deadly silence, whatever I said or tried or listened to, my conversations had stopped and I experienced what almost every person on earth is going through. You talk to God but you don't hear anything back.

Because it was the second time in a row and because I felt this was more intense and more intrusive I got overwhelmed by a very big feeling of unrest. And I sighed even at some point within myself over all those years of writing the blogs “you just have played for god”.

I was shocked by myself and that sighing was accompanied by loss, loneliness, surprise and actually bewilderment. Could it be true that all those years of hard work were just an illusion and that everything was false? What if I had just played for God and invented everything out of myself and what if nothing was true? What if I didn't hear a Spark of God at all? What if I just made everything up for myself? Suppose  so, what would it turn out to be a disillusion!

Deadly silence inside me!

What had happened to me, what had I done, how come I did hear nothing at all?
If it was the voice of God why didn't I hear God anymore? What had happened, what had I done?
And if I made it up for myself, why didn't I manage to continue the conversation, why was there such a deadly silence? I didn't understand anything of it.

I was confused for a few days and then gradually recovered my balance. I accepted that there had to be a reason why this happened. I accepted that I didn't hear anything, like most people do after all. I accepted that it would remain always this way. I accepted that I might not know for the rest of my life why everything happened this way, why I had experienced this all those years, why it had stopped. I accepted that and was willing to leave it, just trust it and let everything rest. But even more happened last week.

I thought, what do I actually know, what can I build on, what do I know for sure about God? And then I felt that it was all right. It was enough that God existed, and that I was heard, day and night, as every person is heard. And I was happy with the will of God and with the laws of God, what else did I want? This was sufficient. This was good, this was our help and stay, everyone could build on this and hope for it. And I felt so comfortable and calm and grateful that God was there, purely this, this was enough, that God existed and kept an eye on us and that we lived within God's creation, that we were God's creation, and that God had some meaning for us.

But something else happened that I did not expect at all. I was suddenly so grateful that I could see God's creation, that I had eyes, and could see the beauty of nature, of the evening light, of a beautiful avenue of trees, of the beauty of the world, and that I could see this all. It overwhelmed me so much that I was completely happy and grateful and I was very happy about it. And I was also deeply grateful that I had a healthy body, that I could move, that everything worked so well and that I could do whatever I want with this beautiful, healthy, strong and energetic body. And for days I have been happy with the will of God and with the laws of God and with my seeing of creation and with my ability to move and do everything.

But beware of the dog, I gradually started to suffer more from the uncertainty and loneliness of a life without the trusted voice of God. Coincidentally, I would stay for a few days in the Trappist monastery in Zundert and the first service I heard Psalm 22:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

………………………………

But you, O Lord, do not be far off!
O you my help, come quickly to my aid!

And every minute I was in Zundert for a longer time, I became more upset and down and deeply unhappy that I no longer heard God. I no longer heard anything and attended the services, the night service, the zen meditation and I started to miss so terribly the contact with God, missed so terribly that I no longer had a conversation with God and that I lived in a distressing, terrifying deafening silence, whatever I said or asked or cried or waited. I felt like the abandoned agitated person in Psalm 22. My god why have you forsaken me?

It became more and more unbearable, and I was just able to dedicate my suffering to Christ and say “I give my suffering to You Christ, at least now I feel for a moment how You have suffered and my suffering is still nothing, it is not as bad with me as with You”.

But it seemed to me that there was no greater suffering than 8 ½ years of hearing the voice of God and then suddenly for more than 11 days hearing nothing and I feared it would stay that way for the rest of my life. My god my god why have You forsaken me? ”

On Saturday morning, December 7, after more than eleven days of total radio silence, total desolation, I suddenly hear the voice of God again. When I ask "do You want to bless these monks, I hear "they are blessed My Son" and I cry and cry and cry (in silence) and thank and thank and thank and I am so happy so happy so happy that I hear the voice of God again and I ask: “my God I know You didn't leave me, but why didn't I hear you anymore? It became too difficult, it became too bad, it became unbearable ”.

And God said:

My son, We have seen you these twelve days, your willingness to leave everything and to cherish life and later We have seen you suffer, but it could not be otherwise. A combination of necessary changes, of regularities and an ordeal made you have lived in oblivion for twelve days, not in Our eyes but in your experience. Know that it is over, and that these types of periods will remain the exception. And you have stood the test well. You have endured everything well, you have not blamed Me, you have accepted everything, you have tried to cherish the right spiritual perspective of trust and you have also experienced your humanity in the loneliness, doubt, anxiety, confusion, suffering. And you have dedicated your suffering to the suffering of Christ. That's how We found it complete.
Be blessed, my son.

My blessings to you all

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